The Quest of the Crystal Light
by S Spade
Summary: Spaceman Spiff faces evil aliens, unbearable allies, an enemy empire, maybe even a time warp or two and his worst fear, a new narrator. All in an average day for our fearless hero.
1. The Begining

The Begining

Disclaimer: Calvin & Hobbes *alter egos are Waterson's and the syndicates, not mine, yadda yadda yadda

Narrator: Spiff flew through the bleak darkness of the cold impersonal space…

Spiff: You're certainly cheery. And ain't I supposed to narrate?

Narrator: I have to fulfill a contract. Take it up with the producers.

Spiff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get on with it.

Narrator: just then, a Draconian laser beam hit our hero. He shot out a few times at the war ship, before he crashed on the uninhabitable surface below, with no sentient life forms.

Spiff: It's D.C., for one thing. It's habitable. And how come I always get shot down when I wash and wax this thing? Huh? Why's that?

Narrator: The rouge ship is destroyed by the tazer satellite defense system. The message center flashes on Spiff's computer.

Spiff: I wonder who it is.

Narrator: Answer it then.

Spiff: My agent's gonna get it. Let's see. Powerful laser system… Regonian Empire… need crystal… on Venus… needs help… with Love, President Hilary S.

Narrator: Love? Maybe it's time for her to resign…

Spiff: Wanna take it outside? It seems the Regonian Empire has built a new laser weapon. They need a special crystal on Venus that will make it invincible. The…

Narrator: Why does it make it invincible?

Spiff: Size, color, shape, clarity, the only known frozen light beam in it…

Narrator: Frozen light beam?

Spiff: I ain't no post-Einsteinium physicist. Ask one of them.

It seems that president Sloan wants me to help. 

Narrator: Spiff hails a cab. A thieve robot tries to take his cab and his wallet. Spiff calmly zaps him with his beam set on 'kill'.

Spiff: 'Frappe', actually.

Narrator: Whatever. The cab flies to the White House. Spiff enters.

VP: Miss President! Spaceman Spiff is here!

Spiff: Hello, Miss Derkins.

President: Thank God you're here, Spiff. Come follow me. The rest of the squad I assembled is in there.

Spiff: You mean I gotta work with other people?

-To be continued-


	2. The Squad

The Squad

Disclaimer: Any similarities to any of Waterson's creations, living or dead, is purely non-coincidental

President: This is Rosalyme… 

Narrator: a tall yellow girl, with a really sour expression.

President: Moemoo…

Narrator: a big mean ugly son of a gun

President: the Hobesit…

Narrator: a tiger, the only one Spiff likes

President: and, the Snowman.

Narrator: a big flake. Someone needs to let him in a greenhouse.

President: Any questions?

Narrator: Spiff raised his hand

Spiff: You don't need to comment on everything, computer brains! Miss Hil, we each get our own ships, right?

President: If you must. Any more?

Narrator: Spiff raises his hand again. Then he stares piercingly at me. Now he's rolling his eyes…

Spiff: Moe is a convicted felon. Why him?

President: He has ties to Emperor Jeremiahs. Any more?

No?

Narrator: No.

President: There are more questions?

Narrator: No. I said 'No' meaning 'Yes'.

President: "'No' meaning 'Yes'"? Just give me a straight answer. Are there any more questions?

Narrator: No.

President: No there are, or no there aren't?

Ros:AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

President: Ok, Fine. Good luck men, and Godspeed.

Spiff: Yo, Narrator, quit stealing my thunder.

Narrator: As you wish. 

Spiff: And knock off the Princess Bride junk.

Narrator: As you… I mean, ok.

Hobbes: Let's do it.

Narrator: Time passes. They get in their ships, and try to find the Red Herring, Jeremiahs' ship. 

Ros: Ok, people. We need to find the Crystal Light before they do. We have to work together whether we want to or not, understand? 

Narrator: The rest mumble yes, uh-uh, sure, right and whatnot. 

Spiff: This has been nothing but talk, talk talk. I wish we'd have some action.

Narrator: Immediately after he said that, a rapid succession of laser shots, missiles, bombs, firecrackers, and a kite attack the ships. All but Moe's…

Spiff: Have I mentioned I don't like you narrating?

Hey! Why ain't they attacking Moe? 

-To be continued-


	3. The Fight

The Battle

Disclaimer: These characters ain't mine. Got it?

--

Snowman: Stand back these babies are mine.

Narrator: The Snowman used an ice blaster to freeze the ships in front of him. More promptly crashed into them. At that time, Hobbes and that annoying Spiff…

Spiff: I loathe you.

Narrator: Hobbes and that annoying Spiff run up to Moe's ship, to see why he wasn't attacked. 

Spiff: Ok, Moe.Why not you?

Moe: I'd thought you'd figure it out, twerp. I'm still aligned with them. This is a trap.

Hobbes: You are under arrest for committing a 2254. Or is it a 2255? 2253? 43?

Calvin: Heck with it.

Narrator: They shot the engines of Moe's ship. It sped out of control, crashing into Mercury. Hobbes and Spiff follow the others into Venus.

Spiff: Prepare for impact.

Narrator: They land on the planet in a warm dessert… Woodland?! I thought Venus was a worn, hot, barren land!

Spiff: Only in the deserts. Closer to the water, its actually quite lovely. Not that I'd want to build a summerhouse, but they trees are actually quite lovely.

Narrator: What's you say about Princess Bride? Hmmm?

Ros: Knock it off you two. Look! The _Red Herring_! 

Narrator: The heroes walk to the ship. They open the door.

Ros: Nothing!

Snowman: What?

Spiff: Don't tell me. Red herring…

Hobbes: I have to admit; I didn't think he had enough brains.

Narrator:Spiff looks behind him. There are 80 Regonian guards. He pulls his gun, set to Frappe. Right?

Spiff. Yep.

Narrator: The others get their weapons. One of the guards speaks:

Guard: Surrender! We outnumber you, 20 to 1. What do you say?

Spiff. One word. Frappe jerk. Ok, that's actually two.

Narrator: Spiff shot him. Ros, Snowman, and him attack the guards. When 70 are left, Spiff asks:

Spiff: Where's that orangey flea bait?

Narrator: The guards drop their weapons, and run. One of the Herring's lasers shot, leaving a hole in the ground, and sending the enemies flying.

Spiff:For orangey flea bait, you're quite handy.

Hobbes: Thank you.

Ros: So… Now what?

Hobbes: I saw an active computer. Should we try that?

Snowman: Best plan we have. Only plan we have.

Narrator: They walk into the ship, by the computer.

-To be continued-


	4. The Computer

The Computer

Disclaimer: I don't own them. At least, not yet….

Narrator: They walk by the computer. Spiffy looked in a drive and found something interesting.

Spiff: I TOL YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!!! 

Ros: What'd you find?

Spiff: They have the V*enna cd. Can we listen to it?

Ros: Later.

Narrator: Hobbes types something, trying to find info.

Spiff: How bout Twila Paris?

Ros: Later!

Hobbes: Methinks I found something!

Spiff: Petra?

Ros: LATER!!!!!

Narrator: The tiger plays a clip with Emperor Jeremiahs on.

Emperor: If you're hearing this, you must've defeated those creeps. We will send troops to the big tower at 6 pm tomorrow. Nothing will stop us!!!!!

Snowman: I think he's in for a surprise.

Ros: We need some more weapons…

Spiff: I saw a weapon room back there. We take what we can need, and we can modify our ships. 

Narrator: I can't believe it. Spiffy got a good idea.

Spiff: One of these days, metal lips, and I'll clobber you straight to Pluto's moon!

Narrator: (makes a raspberry)

Spiff: And we can even dock our ships in here, and drive the Red Herring over!

Ros: Good plan. Okay men, let's do it.

Narrator: As they do so, Spiff plays the V*enna cd. They must wait until tomorrow to strike.

-To be continued-


	5. The Night

The Night

Disclaimer: Same ol, same ol. 

Narrator: The group was ready to face their toughest battle. Spending the night together without killing each other.

Spiff: And will you take me high so I can reach the sky with a love that never dies this is where I wanna be…

Ros: Not that I don't like V*enna, it is 12:05 am, you know.

Spiff: My internal clock's on Tokyo time.

Hobbes: Interesting. This file talks about an albino guard dragon, Aja, Jeremiahs has…

Snowman: Shhh! I'm trying to read.

Narrator: Then that moron Spiffy, the fuzz ball, the water flake, and Adolph in drag decided to duke it out against each other.

Spiff: Hey!

Ros: What say we get him instead?

Spiff, Hobbes, and Snowman: YES!

Narrator: Uh…oh…

Gabe: Hello, I'm the author, and, um, the narrator is being turned into hamburger meat right now. Spiff has his blaster, and… Ros throws a right hook… Hobbes draws his claws… snowman has an icicle…

Um, let's just say we won't worry about him now.

Ros: Who'll narrate now?

Hobbes: And the contract…

Gabe: He was in a chapter and a half more than he needed to be. Um, I can narrate now.

Spiff: What about me?

Gabe: 'Then, Spiff fell into the pack of rabid iguanas…'

Spiff: Ok, you can narrate.

Gabe: From here on, I'll be narrator unless I need my author hat on.

Narrator: Spiff hears a growl from outside.

Spiff: Could that be the dragon?

Ros: Couldn't be.

Spiff: Then you look.

Narrator: Ros walks out. Muttering…

Ros: Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothi-

Narrator: She runs inside.

Ros: Dragon! Dragon! Dragon! Dragon!

Spiff: Someone grab the laser!

Narrator: Aja, the albino dragon, spits fire on the ship. A laser blast from the hull then sends the sucker flying.

Hobbes: That was close.

Spiff: Good job, my tiger.

Snowman: I think we have breakfast taken care of too. I love barbeque.

Narrator: After the rough night, our heroes decide to let bygones be bygones, and fall asleep till tomorrow's invasion.


End file.
